And empty nester, once again

This is going to be a hard post to write. I know it will leave me in tears and I will struggle with how to best put this tangled mix of emotions I'm having into words. For that reason, I've been putting it off. Sometimes waiting is good.

As a side note, I read a list of blog pet peeves recently and apparently some folks don't like it when a blogger shares personal stories. If you are one of those folks, I will not mind if you want to click away now. This is going to be all about me. 

Several years ago I was watching Desperate Housewives and one particular scene struck a personal cord and seemed to touch my very soul. I felt the pain of the actress like it was my own. I can't tell you any other part of the show, just once scene that lasted a minute or two. In that scene, Bree opened a kitchen drawer and noticed a sippy cup. She melted into an emotional puddle of sadness. For some reason I felt her pain and wanted to turn away because somehow I knew I would one day feel that same pain.

My story plays out much differently than Bree's but I know the pain of noticing a sippy cup when the child no longer lives with you.

I don't know how much backstory I need to go into. I blab about Bayleigh enough that surely it's evident she's the light of my life. 

As I've said before the story of Alyssa's marriage isn't mine to tell. She married Bayleigh's father young and tried very hard to make it work. Very hard. When she felt like she had given it all she could I let her know that she should not stay out of fear for how she would care for herself and her child alone. But even before that, she and Bayleigh spent a great deal of time here. I cared for Bayleigh while Alyssa finished nursing school and then when she started working. So, from the time she was born, we've had a bond. I think because I had such a special bond with my granny, it gave me a full circle kind of feeling. Like I was giving back something special that was given to me.

When they moved into the room upstairs, it was never intended to be permanent. It was just our way of giving Alyssa a soft place to land and to provide as much support as we could for both her and Bayleigh.

Well the time has come for her to move on, to be out of her parent's house. She is in a relationship with a very nice man. A man who is responsible and kind and is good to both she and Bayleigh. A couple of weeks ago Bayleigh started pre-K and started staying full time in their new apartment about 45 minutes away. I'm not going to lie, it breaks my heart to type those words. Not because I have any worries about her care, but just because I have been joined at the hip with that little peanut for the past four and a half years.  It is such a mixed up bunch of feelings I have. On one hand, I have so much free time now. Plenty of time for sewing and building and painting, and most days, I am fine. Maybe better than I thought I would be. But there are those moments. Those Bree sippy cup moments when I feel like I could cry a river. It wasn't easy on Bayleigh at first either. She missed her nana and papa as much as we missed her, but every day has been easier for her than the previous day. She went to school this morning without any tears. I'm learning how to live as an empty nester once again.

So there you have it, that's where things are with me. I'm a little fragile, but very proud. I'm proud of Bayleigh for being such a big girl and I'm proud of her mama for being such a good mama. I'm proud that they are fluffing their own little nest. A nest a little closer to nana's would have been nice, but still, I'm proud.

Comments

[Claire]

I 100% get it. I am living that life. My granddaughter has lived with me since she was born. I was the one who carried her little body up to the NICU at 12 hours old. I have cared for her while her mama was in the hospital multiple times since her birth. Her mama is healing and we are preparing for my little Lay-lay (Laila) to go live with her mama. I will be lost. I just lost my mom three months ago. This little girl has been my gift from God to heal the emptiness in my heart. I know my little granddaughter will be well cared for with her mama, but still. They are the lights of our lives. The chance to do right where I didn't do so well the first time (that's my story - not saying it's yours). I truly get your emotions. I am preparing myself for them here in the very near future. On a positive note, my daughter is only 7 miles away (15 minutes with red lights).

[Carol]

I am proud of you, It is hard to let go. I was at the saddest point in my life when my daughter left home. Bayleigh will always be close to you. I know you cant feel this now but You will grow to love the empty nest.

love to you,

Carol Lynn

[Kim Fleming]

Awww...big hugs. Bayleigh is a lucky girl to have such a wonderful relationship with such a wonderful grandma. 5 minutes, 45 minutes or 4 hours away, I have a strong feeling that Bayleigh will always come to grandma.

[Sarah]

I feel like I say this all over the internet right now (time to leave the nest for a lot of kids it seems!), but remember, you have been working hard to give those kids roots AND wings. The sprouting of their wings is a sign that you have done an excellent job.

(And as a kid who was raised by grandma and grandpa, no amount of distance ever came between me and them. Maybe she can still have monthly sleepovers? I used to love spending the night with them before I moved in with them.)

Hang in there. This too shall become the new normal soon.

Hugs to you.

[Laura]

I truly understand, my daughter is living with us now, the young marriage has failed, and she has identical twins. She too has been in nursing school, we rearranged the house so the twins & her have the upstairs. I will miss the twins when she gets her life in order, they are full of kisses, smiles, and sippy cups for grandma. I am busy now with them all here, but it will be lonely & quiet without them.

[Autum]

Hi Laura,

Our stories are so similar. We have often said we couldn't imagine if Bayleigh had been a twin. 

My full time job for the past four years has been being Bayleigh's nana. The first word out of her mouth most mornings was NANA!!  She was my little shadow and constant companion for four and a half years so I'm finding myself a bit lost. 

I know in my head this is exactly what needs to happen, but boy, my heart is having a hard time getting to that place.
Enjoy those little twins! Double the kisses, how sweet.

xo Autum

[Autum]

Sarah,

Funny you say that, the part about the new normal. Just this afternoon, I told Alyssa it wasn't easy getting used to my new normal ; )

xo Autum

[Autum]

Thank Kim. I sure do hope so. She's been coming here weekends. It certainly gives me something to look forward to.

xo Autum

[Autum]

Thank you Carol Lynn for your sweet words of encouragement : )

xo Autum

[Autum]

Hi Claire,

It sure is a special bond isn't it? I'm glad for you that your girls will be so close. I think that's what I'm having the hardest time with, the fact that they aren't right around the corner. I always thought she would live nearby, and granted 45 minutes is not that far, but not right around the corner either.

xo Autum

[Dee]

My heart is heavy for you, I feel like I have just read the words of my own Mama when my little family moved from just down the road o across the world. Hang in there x

[Elaine]

{{{{HUGS}}}}
I keep my daughters three little ones when she and her husband are at work. Youngest just turned 4 the other two were 6&5 last Feb. They built a house next door to us. I grew up next door to my maternal grandparents living first in house to left of them and then in house to the right of them. My grandmother kept me and my sister while my parents worked. The bond is strong. You and Bayleigh will always have that strong bond.
I am so glad Alyssa has found a nice man who is good to her and Bayleigh!!!
But I do so feel for you!!! I know how I miss those three little ones when they go away to the beach for a week or weekend to see a historical area. Papa and Nana sit looking at each other wondering what we are suppose to be doing.

[Autum]

Thanks Elaine : )

Your situation is exactly what I always envisioned and I used to think that is what Alyssa wanted too. I don't know, I guess it's a southern thing?  It was a little devastating to hear she didn't want that. I fully realize how selfish that sounds, but just being honest here. I think because up to that point, she seemed to want that too. There is a house a couple doors down that was on the market a while back. She was really excited about possibly renting it, but it was way over priced.  When another house on our street was for sale at the same time she was house hunting, I was so excited, thinking the timing was perfect. My bubble was quickly popped when she told me she wanted to be in town instead of out here in the country. Totally understandable, just a complete surprise. All my images of helping out with getting Bayleigh to and from school and dance classes, having them drop in for dinner... you know all that goes along with living right down the road from nana and papa. It just wasn't her vision. Can you tell I'm still not quite over it?
I know some will say it is ridiculous to feel this way, many, many grandparents don't even live in the same state. I am so thankful that isn't my situation. So very thankful.
You are so blessed to have your little ones right next door and I know they are equally blessed to be so close to you : )

xo Autum

[Autum]

Oh Dee, my heart is heavy for your Mama. I daily thank my blessings and have to remind myself that 45 minutes away is nothing.
Is your situation a long term thing or service related?

xo Autum

[Thimbleanna]

You're so funny. Here I am reading and welling up with tears, then that last sentence. Darn those kids -- why can't they just stay close to home. What a great opportunity you've had to be so close to Bayleigh. I'm sure a little distance isn't going to break that bond. Hang in there!

[Autum]

Hi Anna.  No, that little distance won't break that bond. We have found that we can't visit during the week though. We met them last week for dinner on a school night and it was just too hard. She wanted to come home with us and just cried and cried. Then I cried and cried on the way home. I have the weekends to look forward to when she can come spend Friday and Saturday night. It seems to be helping her too with learning a routine. This is her third week of school and she's getting the hang of it. Yesterday was the first tear free day. I haven't heard how this morning went, but I have a feeling she did fine.

You're right, darn kids. Even when they are grown, they still don't do what you want them to. Why do they have to have minds of their own anyway ; )

xo Autum

[UK lass in US]

I would love to have my parents live just down the street - it's always hard to get back on the plane to go home after a visit. Still, even though they only see my kids twice a year, if that, the bond is a strong one. The distance doesn't affect that.

And 45 minutes just means that there's more excuse to make it into a sleepover when she visits.

[Sandra]

Aww...sending big hugs your way. I know that separation like this is so tough, but it just means that you share a really beautiful bond. And, that is a true gift.

[Bridgette]

Dear Autum, my sweet granny lived with my folks until I was nearly 5, just like Bayleigh. I believe it was she who I bonded to,and for the rest of her life we were as close as can be. She moved to California and we stayed in Utah, and even though I was just a little girl a piece of my heart was always with her. I visited often once I was an adult, and just to be in the same space with her was all I needed.
Honey, she used to say, we were cut from the same cloth, and indeed we were. The ties may be stretched, but they will never be broken :)

[Autum]

Awww, Bridgette, this made me cry.  Such a sweet story.
One of the first vivid memories I have is from when I was a little older than Bayleigh. About five I think. I had lived with my granny my whole life, my mom not always present. She struggled with drug addiction most of her life. At this time she was married and wanted to be a family. She moved to the beach, two hours away and took me and my sister with her. I can remember so clearly how painful that separation was. One of my granny's favorite stories to tell was about how she answered the phone one day and the operator told her that she had a little girl on the line who wanted to talk to her granny. Remember back in the day when if you dialed zero you got the operator? Well, I was trying to dial the number and somehow ended up getting the operator. I don't know what information I was able to give her, but she connected me to my granny.  Thankfully we didn't live at the beach for very long. I wish I could get the operator now to connect me with my granny.  We too were cut from the same cloth : )

Thanks for sharing your sweet story, friend.

xo Autum

[Mitzi]

Oh how familiar your story is to mine. My daughter (also Alyssa) moved in with us when her son was 1 1/2. My daughter is an amazing mom, but his father is not very dependable, and I have always felt like my grandson's other parent. She moved into her own apartment a year later, but thankfully they were only 5 miles away. Now, she is living with a great guy who is filling the "father" role, and doing a super job. He treats my daughter and grandson very well, and that makes me happy. However, I am feeling a little edged out. I want her to have the nuclear, happy, and functional family that she has now, and my grandson is doing great, but I feel a little sad and lonely, especially facing my youngest son's impending high school graduation.

We are part of a new generation. We now see many grandparents co-parenting, and it's hard when our kids get their legs solid under them and don't need us quite as much as they did. It's fulfilling too. As much as I miss my grandson, I am proud of my daughter, and I can tell that you are too.

I tell my husband that this is not the job I signed up for. I gave birth to three beautiful children, and somewhere in my mind I knew they would all grow up and leave. However, it is hard when you center everything on those children and grandchildren, only to wake up to unemployment (so to speak). I am working toward finding something (besides my job) that fulfills me and makes me happy. Unfortunately I don't think anything will ever give me as much joy as being a mom and grandma.

[sabine]

Big hugs to you, Autumn, I have yet to face to let my kids go. It is nearly 3 years until my firstborn will finish school but since she is into getting info about studies
right now her leaving has been wide awake in my imagination for the last couple of days. It will be the hardest thing I ever will have to do, I know.
Sending love and white light along your way.

[Autum]

Thank you Sabine. Hugs to you too : ) I've heard a quote that says having children is like having your heart walking around outside your body, it is so true. From the time they born, a huge part of your heart is wrapped around their little bodies like a blanket and  stays with them forever.
And when you thought you couldn't love anyone more, they go and have children and your heart explodes with love all over again.

xo Autum

[Autum]

Mitzi,
Our stories do sound so similar. Being a mama and now a nana has been my full time job for nearly 25 years now and suddenly it feels like the company has downsized and my once full time job is now part time, as needed. Not an easy transition. But, it is a good problem to have, I guess. Children growing up and becoming independent adults. It's just what you hope for, you just aren't prepared for what it will do to your heart.

Hugs to you!

xo Autum

[domesticali]

Oh so sad Autum. But you know you have laid a wonderful foundation for always being a very special part of their lives, no matter where they are. It's only the day to day that is different. Keep busy.