confession

I try to be a happy person.

A loving and understanding person.

I usually give the benefit of the doubt.

The older I get, the more I worry. I guess it comes with having lived life. Having experienced heartache and loss, the tendency to guard yourself more.

I am a believer in God. In Jesus. In grace and forgiveness, and yet....

There is a dark place in my heart. A place that is heavily guarded, and untrusting. It is a place I didn't even know existed until a few years ago. It is a place that  does not want to love and trust and give the benefit of the doubt.

Because of the existence of this place, deep in my own heart. I feel a bit like Adam and Eve, hiding in the garden from God.

Because of this darkness, my walk with God has suffered.

I want to place blame. To say it is because of another's actions that I have this place. But deep within me, I know this is my battle. My cross to bear.

I wish it would just go away. Oh how I pray for the blackness to be gone, but I know the answer to that prayer. I know it is my work to do.

When the day comes and I have to answer for myself, it will not be acceptable that I harbored this hate in my heart. No matter what the reasons. And yet knowing this does not make it any easier to let go. As much as I dislike the darkness, I hold onto it. As if letting go means the other person is right.  I feel so justified in my hate. Typing that word is not easy. I've always been taught not to hate. Not to even say the word and I until now, I've never felt this way. It isn't a good feeling. It's like living under a heavy wet blanket and even joyful times are slightly tainted by its ugliness.

So there is an inner struggle. The part of my sprit that knows better is at constant odds with the part of my heart that needs to protect those I love.

How do you come to terms. How do you love someone you just don't want to love, when you can come up with reason after reason not to?  Like Jesus, I pray that this cup would pass. Really I do.  I do not want to do the work I know I need to do. 

It's not been an easy road and in reality, it's not even my road. I'm just a spectator and yet bitterness consumes me.

I'm not trying to sound all cryptic, the details aren't important. The point of my post is hopefully by opening myself up, by laying it out there, I can at least face the battle that is before me.  

No matter what the other person does, it is my heart that I will hold in my hands when I stand before my maker and do I want it to be dark and ugly or bright and filled with love? I have a lot of polishing I need to do. I just don't know how to begin.

Comments

[michele]

Oh my word. You have no idea how I relate to this. I hold on to bitterness and have all sorts of reasons for doing so. And yet, I know that before the cross it is only sin and it must not win out. I've been dealing with this for two years now. Far too long. I'll pray for you if you'll pray for me.

[Veronica]

We may not hold religion in common, but the sentiment and the desire to be free of the burden of hatred we share. Thanks for posting this. I try to ignore my own feelings of bitterness and resentment, but they bubble up anyway. You're in my thoughts!

[Chris]

A couple of things that have helped me when I am in a similar dark place. First, pray and ask for help in letting things go. God will help to heal. Second, find someone who needs help and serve them. There is no better cure for worry than work...especially in serving another person. Oh, one more idea, pray and just tell the Lord all the things that you are grateful for. As you count your blessings, you'll be amazed at how much more you find to be grateful for.

[Claire]

OMG, I feel like you just got inside my head and wrote what I feel these days but cannot post on my own blog for a variety of reasons. There is a person like that in my life too - details unimportant. She's only in my life because of my mother and my only job, I have concluded, is to make sure my mother is safe, regardless of whether my mom wants me to or not. I have had to come to the position that I will be the daughter I want to be, and live my life the way I want to live, and the other person is inconsequential. My hatred of the other person - and yes, I do HATE her and I feel she is truly evil in heart and soul - doesn't hurt her, but it hurts me. It blocks the ones I do love and want to love me from getting closer to me. I have had to deliberately and consciously change my focus to other things every time this feeling surfaces. It gets easier with time.

[Amber Carrillo]

It's so easy to grow bitter isn't it...and rehearse everything they do or don't do and feel so justified in our hate. I hear you....and I am so thankful the Lord doesn't want us to stay in that state but wants us to forgive and love...but yes, the road to that point is not an easy one...but at least you are willing. Just pray - and He'll show you - He is faithful! Believe me - I'm on the same road with you! Praying for you my friend :-)

[Nancy L.]

Praying! My pastor always says that forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's a conscious act of the will. Sometimes I have to exercise that "conscious act of the will" a lot before I start to feel it. Praying for peace for you today.

[melissa p.]

wow. i do not know you at all, yet i feel like we may be walking the same path. i was just asked "how is it we are to love someone very unlovable?" and all i can come back to is that while we were still sinners...God's enemies...Christ died for us. for me. for the unlovable one, too. it is my job to repent and believe. have faith. i also learned that while i need to forgive in my heart, i do not need to be involved with the unlovable one of whom i speak. i don't know if that part would apply to you...but grace...grace...grace...i'll be praying for you, as i pray for myself in the exact same way. thank you for opening this up. for so many reasons...

[Kristin]

By the grace of God, I'm not on that road right now, but boy does it look familier. And what a horrible place it is to be. The Lord wasn't kidding about the root of bitterness. Praying that God's grace would enable you to forgive...and forgive...and forgive. And one day, look back and realize that you really have.

[Patti]

We don't have the power to do this in our own strength.
Prayer is a first step. Each time an offense comes to mind, pray and tell the Lord you forgive that individual, naming specific offenses - this may be quite often at first.
At the same time begin engrafting appropriate portions of Scripture. Not a verse here and there - but whole chapters. Memorize them and then meditate on them. Fill your personal spaces with these Scriptures; carry them with you. If you want something removed (the hate) then you have to replace that void with something. The Word cleanses and purifies. 1 Cor. 13 might be a starting place; Romans 6, 7, and 8 is another.
When appropriate find small ways to bless the individual you hate. Not knowing the circumstances - only the Holy Spirit can let you know if any contact is appropriate. When David, in the wilderness, forgave Saul, he still did not go back with him - a separation was necessary for safety reasons. But Scripture does say to bless those that curse us (hate is a curse) and so if there are ways to bless, then doing so can help heal.

You mention it is not your direct battle - are you taking up someone else's offense? That is very dangerous. 2 Sam. 13:22
Finally - Rev. 12:11 - See Col. 2:13-15 and Rev. 1:2 then Col. 2:6-12
Blessings,
Patti

[Kerri]

You are courageous for putting this out there. And I think you are right; it may be the first step, laying it all out there.
Forgiveness is something that seems like we have to continually practice. We have to consciously choose to forgive. Every day. Perhaps the same person who has offended us, sinned against us, and maybe is still sinning against us. Man, that is so hard. But when we don't, we aren't hurting them; we're drinking our own poison.
Again, thanks for your honesty and courage. Praying that God will help you through this dark valley.

[You Go Girl!]

A few years back, someone told me that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Instead, it means giving up your right to get even. Wishing you well as you work through this. When we walk through fire WITH our Maker by our side, we come out the the other side like gold refined...beautiful, shiny, and stronger than before.

[Barbara G]

I, too, am a grandmother and have been walking through the process of releasing horrible memories of my childhood. My abuser died recently and though I had been through the torturous journey of forgiveness several years ago, the memories have come to haunt me, one by one. The good news is I have come to a place of letting them go to the Lord as I embrace the memory and walk it through in His grace. I am finally being set free... The Lord will honor your desire to be free too. Don't be afraid to get help. It's so worth it. You have my email addy. Don't be afraid to use it.

[randi]

i think it is wonderful that you posted this! the first step toward healing is often just admitting that we have a problem and we need help. i am going to be praying for you as you walk this path!

i am also in the midst of accepting some things about my life that i really dislike. another person's actions affect me deeply and i am trying to move to a place where it is not hurtful and, honestly, paralyzing sometimes. i feel like it's one of those times when i need to muster up a lot of strength that i am not sure is really there. but at the same time, i think it might be. god is leading so i know i can at least go forward!

here's to taking hard steps toward better things!

my email address is [email protected]

would love to chat. sometimes it's nice just to know that someone else is in a similar place.

[marie]

I think you just did begin Autum. The first step on the road to dealing with any problem is understanding and acknowledging it's existance, both to yourself, and to others.

Now it's out there all you can do is try your best to process it to come to the outcome you desire. I think you know that holding onto hate only feeds it's ugly fire. Once you can let it go you'll be free of it and the taint it brings. That said, sometimes it's hard to let go when people have wronged us and those we love. It doesn't make us inherently bad people. It makes us people who want to protect what we love and that's not a bad thing.

You're making a step towards accepting the fact that harbouring hate is only giving more power to the person who originally inflicted the wrong. Let them live with the consequences of their negative actions. Also know that it's still acceptable to choose not to have to interact with the person who has wronged you. If you can let go of the hate it's still okay to not want to be around them. Life it too short to surround yourselves with people who taint your mindset with negativity and someone who can wrong you so much that you hate them is clearly someone capable of bringing negativity to your life. Let the hate go, but also be free to let them go along with it. You can forgive without having to embrace your enemies. Accept that that might be better for your in the long run.

I hope you can resolve this sweetie. {{{HUGS}}} to you, it's a horrible dilemma to face. Be strong.

xMx

[sabine]

Hi Autumn,

if it is time to be solved it will be solved. For me acceptance is the first step. You don´t have to be with negativity... but feel it and accept it as your feeling.
Hug it. It is you and it is so human. That doesn´t mean you have to give power to it. There is an affirmation by Louise Haye that I love :
"In the centre of any negative feeling you will find love." This was an eye-opener for me. I´m sending love and white light into situations you described. I´ve been there just a couple of months ago. Up to then I did not know I was able to hate. I am. You do not need to feel love to send white light and love but the intention and the thought make it happen. You take a step back and watch from a different perspective. Try it. Big Hugs !

[Ginger]

All that I can say is that I understand and I pray the Lord is with you and lifts you up and takes away any darkness and pain that you feel. I hope that things turn out ok. Let me know if you need someone to chat with.

[Carol]

Hi Autum,
Thank you for your blog and the sharing of your heart. You can and you will get past this place, and then you will have a larger capacity to love. You will conquer the hate that hurts your soul. You have the power to do it through your faith. It may be that you have to do it little pieces at a time as this work takes lots of energy but there is a great peace that goes with it. You will be the person you want to be. God looks down on you and sees your beauty even when you don't. May Gods love surround you and give you peace.

Carol Lynn

[domesticali]

I hope that naming it helps you to find a way to overcome it. I often find it is the things I cannot speak of that I find myself unable to get past. You've taken a step. Thinking of you.

[mindy]

You are not alone even though you think you are. If people are honest, we all have at least that one little spot.

I like that you wrote about it....you are moving forward instead of losing ground.

My spot was a person too. One day it just because too much and I yelled at God. I threw all of my fury at God. Because God is always in control and he allowed it to happen. I ranted and raved and cried until I was tired and spent.

Then God said *FINALLY we can get somewhere with this!*

And he worked in me.

Today I feel nothing negative for that person. It has taken years to get to this place but I did.

I don't know if your spot is the same as mine but I felt like I needed to tell you.

(((Hugs)))

And I stopped right now and prayed.

[Rachel]

Thank you for posting this and for your candor. When dealing with similar feelings, I realized that holding onto them was only hurting ME and holding ME back from moving on. In order to avoid letting my negative feelings swallow me up and turn me into someone I didn't want to be, I had to choose to let go. I realized that choosing my attitude was the best thing for my emotional well-being. There are multiple ways to view things, and I needed to change my point of view. I made the choice to believe that this person was well-intentioned (even if they probably weren't) because believing otherwise would crush me and never allow me to trust people again. Changing my mental storyline allowed me to give the person the benefit of the doubt, regardless of whether they deserved it- because I deserved it. It helped me lose the anger and stop holding ill-will against this person. I wrote a letter so that I could have some peace in my heart about the way that I conducted myself. I wished the person well in the future, apologized for what I could and ceased all dealings with the person and was finally able to move on. I hope that helps. Sending peace and hope your way and you find your way through.

[Stephanie]

I was just having this talk with my son. I was trying to tell him that everyone has a "secret self" that no one else really knows about and that we are all struggling to figure out how to be our best selves. He thinks he is the only one. I know better. I am often shocked at the thoughts that go through my head. I'm a really nice person....but inside, well, that war wages between good and bad. It's there in all of us. I see your heart in your beautiful writing. Good always wins with you.

[Jeanne]

Yes, hatred can consume you but really doesn't affect the hated person very much. So my letting go of hate, you can reclaim some peace for yourself. Accept that you don't like the person and what they did, but embrace that you can choose to put your energy in a more positive direction.

I once met a woman who said when there was someone in her life that she hated or disliked, she prayed for them. And I thought "Wow!" Would praying for the person I hated change them? Maybe not. But the thoughts I would have to change to pray for them would certainly change me and how I viewed them.

I found when I was ready to let go of the hate, I needed to plan the day that I would let go of it. In my case, that involved tearing up letters and pictures and deciding from that point on, that person would not take up so much space in my head.

Good luck to you and thanks for sharing.

[lindsay]

I'd like to echo the previous posts that admitting it (publicly!) is really a huge step to letting it go. I'd also like to offer a saying that has helped me let go of resentments/anger towards others:

Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

May you stop drinking poison!!

Your blog is really inspiring to me. Thank you for your posts!

[Chrysalis]

Gulp- and there it is: words for what is in the pit of my heart.

I've come to understand that all those folks that I look at and admire and who seem to have it all together are just as fallen and imperfect as I. We don't know what is in the hearts of others and those struggles are between them and God. The really awesome good news is that when we, as Christians, stand huddled together before God's throne, frightened by what we have to hold out for Him to see (which He already sees), He will also see the struggle in our hearts to overcome and to do what He would will us to do. He sees that now and loves you for your desire to throw it all at His feet. And one day He will say, "Yes, I know it was hard. Thank you for loving me enough to struggle with it." So keep calm and struggle on- He already has it figured out.

[Tonya Richard]

I think I have a harder time when someone I love is the one being hurt. I can forgive for myself, but don't forgive easily when innocent people like children are the ones being wronged. I have had a situation in my life for the last two years that has been very hard. I am not used to holding onto bitterness, and it was killing me. I am doing better now with forgiving, but every so often that bitterness wants to come back. I just pray and give it to God, because there is really nothing I can do about it, He is the only one with any control. Anyway, I hope it gets easier for you, you are such a kind and loving person, I hate that you are having to go through this. I will keep you in my thought and prayers. HUGS!