About this daily posting thing...

Yea, it's not happening is it? I was feeling a bit stressed about it, then I had one of those days yesterday that puts things into perspective. The idea of sitting down and writing about lamps and furniture just seemed utterly ridiculous.

I recently read a blog post about children getting older and asking questions that make us uncomfortable as parents. If I remember correctly, the author opened up by saying when we think about having children, when we decide the time is right, that we want to have children, it's not children we dream of and wish for, it's babies.  We want to have sweet little babies to cuddle and nuzzle, to comfort and protect. We don't envision eye-rolling teens and we most certainly don't envision parenting headstrong adults, who are still our children.

I'm finding it a tough road to navigate, this being the parent of adults. Young adults. I think for me it is further complicated by the fact I have no experience to draw from.  By that, I mean the relationship between a parent and an adult child. My mom died when I was 19 and to be honest we never had the typical parent child relationship. I learned more about what not to do from her than what to do as a parent. I met my father when I was 25, so needless to say, that wasn't your typical parent child relationship.

I feel lost at sea at times when it comes to knowing how to do what is right for my babes. My babes, who the rest of the world views as grown-ups.  They have their own lives, after all. They are ultimately responsible for the decisions they make. I won't be getting anymore calls from the principle to discuss a poorly thought out decision. I can give them advice, but it is up to them whether or not they chose to take it. I can't ground them, can't take away their video games or phone privileges. I can only pray. I can only make myself available to them,  listen when they choose to come to me, and try to gently guide them when I fear they are steering off-course. I can't take the wheel and folks, that's not always easy to accept.  They are grown-ups with jobs and cars and bills and all the responsibilities that come with being a grown-up, but they are still my children. And as hard as it was to sit up all night rocking a sick toddler, or to wipe away the tears of a little one who's had their feelings hurt by a bully on the playground. As frustrating as it was to battle over homework and chores, nothing compares to the helpless feeling of still needing to nurture and protect and make everything better, yet knowing it just isn't possible anymore. Your super-hero powers as mom have been stripped away. You can't kiss it and make it better anymore. You can't control who they trust with their heart and you can't kiss away the pain when the ones they choose let them down. 

It's the greatest job in the world, but it's also the hardest, and unlike most jobs, it doesn't necessarily get easier with experience.

I'm taking Bayleigh to ballet in a few minutes, if that doesn't make my heart smile, I don't know what will.

 

 

Comments

[Sarah King]

Gosh, I was just sitting here, after hearing about some classroom issues from my first grader, thinking "Why doesn't this parenting thing ever get any easier? It just keeps getting harder and more complicated." Lost at sea is the perfect way to describe how I feel right now. I'm not sure how to navigate the waters of grammar school; I have to take it one day at a time.

But... you know what? Talking to my mom still takes my pain away, even if it's just for a little while. She doesn't really "do" anything to make it better, but it helps just to talk to her or be in her presence. I'm so sorry you haven't had your mother in your life as an adult. You don't lose your super-hero powers when the kids are grown up; they just get more subtle.

Here's to a better day tomorrow!

Sarah King

[cindy]

True words. I think parenting just gets harder as they get older. At least it seems more emotionally draining as they get older. We're slogging thru with one of my teenagers right now, and I just shake my head at how awful I thought the 2's or 3's or 6's were! I do the 'fly by the seat of your pants' style of parenting with a big dose of humility and humor....'tis the hardest job in the world, this parenting gig.

[Samantha]

I gotta say this: I got a little misty-eyed reading this post. I just want to reach through the computer and give you a big hug, because to me it sounds like you need one. My two little munchkins are only 2 years old and eight months, and it's enough to make me feel like I'm going crazy sometimes (though I know it's going to get harder). I agree with Sarah, I think you do still have superpowers, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes.

Hang in there, sweetie.

[Lynn Alexander]

Autum,
My children are 29 and 32. I divorced their father when they were 6 and 3, I have basically had to raise them alone. I love them and sometimes feel very proud of them. Their absent father now needs someone to care for him, If I wasn't married I believe I would take him in to keep them from having to deal with him.

I have a 29 year old stepson that still lives at home,is still attending college and has not achieved an undergraduate degree in art appreciation! when he does I believe him to be unemployable. He has some serious social issues.

It does not get any better I am just not involved as much anymore.
You still can't choose their partners,work out problems on their job or keep them from making financial mistakes. I don't want to make it sound all bad because it is not. I do at times feel like I am just to old for this crap :)

I laugh sometimes when I remember thinking I would be glad when they turn 18 so I would not have to worry about them anymore. I see my sister and friends struggling with the same problems.

Hey and at least you have Bayleigh!

Last night my husband (Mack) and I went to Walmart to get away from a home being taken over by my stepson who ask if his girlfriend could stay over. You should have seen the look on Mack's face, I left the room and came back to see him with his head in his hand and a look of disbelief on his face.

When I read back over this I see how insane it all sounds!

I do love your post, You are inspiring, I know your kids are going to be great( I really mean that). Life is a bumpy road that why we have God to help us navigate, and Autum to give us an escape :).

Lynn

[Elaine]

Sometimes the only thing we can to is tell the Lord we are putting the problem in his hands...

[Cat]

my daughter will be 28. there was a time when i thought i wouldn't survive her teens, but i think it actually DOES get better. i'm sure you'll find great advice from your readers, and others, but the one thing i wanted to let you know is that you are not alone. even now, after all these years, i still feel like i'm not parenting "correctly"; i worry if i'm doing the right thing. so, regardless of how you were parented, being here and talking about it tells me you're working at being the best parent. and in the end, that's really all we can do.

big hugs to you!

[Lynne in NC]

Autum,
Life happens, right? Please don't worry about posting daily.
Especially when you write one that is so timely in all of our lives.
Thank you for exposing your life, your fears and your hopes so openly.
Your thoughts are timely for me -- remember to pray, that's what I can do for my teenagers, for certain!
I hope your times with Bayleigh are rich and joy-filled.
Peace.

[Thimbleanna]

Boy, you said it Autum. This parenting of adults is hard work. So hard to keep my mouth shut! It's a very fine line between butting out and letting them know that you still care. I can only thing that grandchildren are the reward -- how lucky you are to have sweet Bayleigh!

[Karen]

My dear Mother in law has a t-shirt that says "If I'd known grandchildren were this much fun, I'd have had them first!" She bought it when her first grandchild (our firstborn) was a toddler. I thought it was strange, but now I understand it.
I also was going to say that about the fine line, as Thimbleanna did. Our girls are very well adjusted, but I still want to give them a little advice now and then, which may or may not be warranted. :o) I just keep reminding myself that they have to face the consequences of their own actions, and as much as we'd like to "fix" things, God may be in the process of teaching them a lesson, and the best thing we could do is get out of the way!.
I, too, came from a dysfunctional family, (who doesn't these days?), and have had to wade through the murky waters of raising teens, and young adults a little differently than I was raised. All I can say is, God is faithful. It will get better.
Hugs to you today,
Karen

[Sharly]

Sing it Sister!

Take heart and take care.

[Tonya Richard]

This was a very insightful post, Autum. I am just now starting down the road of being a parent to an adult and just like you said it is not easy. My adult child is just barely an adult, so I really have no clue what I am doing. Maybe by the time Sophia is an adult, I will be an expert LOL Yeah, I am on my 8th baby and still not an expert on small children, because they are all so different lol I am sorry you are going through a difficult time right now : ( hugs!

[Autum]

Wow Karen!! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. God may be in the process of teaching them a lesson and the best thing we can do is get out of the way! Powerful words and words I will keep in my heart the next time I want to swoop in and fix things.

Its got to be one of the greatest struggles of my Christian faith- that letting go and letting God thing and not worrying. It is so counterintuitive to the natural mothering instinct isnt it?

[Autum]

Thank you Sharly.

[mijk]

My kids are still tiny but I am someones grown kid and the thing that was the most precious gift is when my parents acknowledge the fact that I am an adult and make my own decisions. It made me shake the fear of dissapointing them and that gave me wings. Looking at my own kids it must have been one of the hardest things to do.

[Autum]

Tonya, every time I write something about mothering and you comment, I just stand in awe! Here I am whining about parenting 2. Bless you!!
I have to say, aside from Alyssa being a little premature, and Casey being somewhat sickly, they were delightful and easy to parent as small children. Casey was a bit more challenging as a teen than Alyssa, but they both made sure we werent bored for a few challenging years. I can honestly say I emerged from that time feeling older. And now I look at them both with so much pride. They are great people. Young adults still figuring out where they want this life to take them. I just hate it when they hit potholes along the way and get their feelings hurt in the process.

Oh but the gift of being a Nana! The best and most rewarding gift EVER!  And with eight, you are sure to know the joy of that gift many times over!

[Autum]

Thanks for this!

[Autum]

A very fine line indeed! Keeping the mouth shut is most certainly one I need to work on ; )

[Autum]

Yes, life happens and even when its hard, Im so glad it does!

Thank you for always being so kind! Your words always bring a smile to my face : )

xo Autum

[becky price]

Our job as parents isn't to raise children. It is to create responsible adults.

[Kathleen]

You are so right about the decision to be parents and not envisioning farther down the road...

I recently had a conversation with a young expectant mother who was adamant that I wasn't too old to have babies. I said to her, no, I'm not too old to have babies but in 15 years when I'm 60, I'll be too old to deal with a crazy teenager! Her reply? Oh! I never thought of that...

[domesticali]

You are still there for them Autum and that counts for a great deal. A wise older friend told me that as children grow, problems get fewer in number, but bigger in magnitude. I guess that's true. But don't underestimate how much just being there will be a comfort to your kids - I know the presence of my Mum still is to me. Hang in there, thinking of you.

[Shelia]

Yes it would have been nice to have kept them in a play pen, But cherish each and every second, bad or good. I lost my 40 year old son in February. And this is what we all have had nightmares about as a mother. Mothers, I am here to tell you that reality can be worse then a nightmare. I am sure there are many other mother's that have lost a child reading this, and I am sure they will agree.

[Amber Elizabeth]

The first thing I did after reading this post, besides dry my eyes, was call my Mom.

Thank you for helping me realize how great my mom really is. I'm 25 living 500 miles away but she's always there when I need her. And like you've mentioned, I selectively take her advice, but I know even if I don't and it comes back to bite me, she'll still be there for me to help me figure my way out of whatever mess I've gotten into. So, thanks again.

Best of luck with your family!

[frazzledsugarplummum]

Thank you for this post. I am struggling with this issue as well. I don't suppose you ever stop worrying and trying to find a balance between overdoing the advice and not giving any at all. It helps to see it put into print.

[Tonya Richard]

LOL Autum, I am so not awe worthy, I promise!!! I agree, parenting babies and small children is more enjoyable than not. They are so sweet and cute, I guess that is why I kept having them lol I just realized that I now have 4 teenagers in my house!!! Isabella just turned 13. So far, the teen years have been fairly smooth, much smoother than I was as a teenager....my poor parents lol It is just hard right now with the 18 year old, because he is making decisions that will affect the rest of his life and I don't necessarily agree with all of them. Learning how to accept what he is doing and not really having any control over it is hard. I am really blessed though, because he is a good person. It is funny because I remember how you had a hard time with Casey joining the Marines, but it ended up being the best thing he could have done. I have reminded myself of this many times the last few weeks.

I cannot wait for grandchildren!!! Every time you post about Bayleigh, it gets me excited for one day : )