Let's see if I remember how to do this...

I've been missing this place. It feels a bit strange to be back, after so long away. So much to say. Do I blurt it all out in one long rambling post or break down into quick bite size chunks?? I guess since Bayleigh is sleeping, I'll just write what I can and go from there.

Why the long absence, I guess that's as good a place as any to start. I think in my last post I wrote about being sick and in the hospital. That was one of those life changing events folks. A stop and take inventory of what really matters event. I was sicker than I've ever been and for the first time in my life I felt like I was getting a glimpse into what my mother must have felt like during the last part of her life. I've had this lung disease all of my life. It's the only life I've known, but this was different. I was completely wiped out just being still. Short of breath with no exertion. I had to gather my strength to get up and go to the bathroom. The scary part was that it came from out of nowhere. No gradual decline and I was terrified that I had progressed to this level and life as I knew it would be no more. I was so scared that my lung function had declined to such a point that I would have to very seriously face the prospect of transplant.  I also experienced some very scary anxiety. It wasn't a fun time. Getting out of the hospital and beginning to feel like me again felt like a gift. During the time I was sick I didn't feel like being on the computer and once I started feeling better it became evident that I wanted to do more with my time than stare at a computer. I realized that much of what I was reading led to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

I started this blog completely blind about blogging. I had no plans other than to take some pictures of things I'd sewn or spray painted or talk about my dogs. I was surprised when other people actually found their way to my blog and even more surprised when they liked it and continued to read. I had a small little circle of blog friends and I loved it. I'd be so excited if I got a few comments. Over time the circle of friends got wider and the people who read my blog on a daily basis grew and I began to feel pressure to write something interesting, to post what I felt like people would want to read. If people were going to actually subscribe to my blog I wanted it to be worthy of their time. I loved the challenge it provided. My sewing skills improved and I loved learning about how to make my blog look pretty. I learned so much reading other blogs and tackled projects I would have otherwise felt impossible. All because of blogging. Then something began to shift. I started to feel like my little blog was sitting in the middle of the interstate with blogs flying past me left and right. Brand new blogs exploding with readers. Blogs with sponsors. Blogs giving away fabulous prizes. I felt like my blog was an 80s honda civic among a mass of convertible BMWs and although I kept telling myself, self, you started this blog for you. You don't need to try to compete with anyone, that's not what it's about. It's not a high school popularity contest. And I said back to myself, Whatever!  No matter how much I told myself it isn't about numbers, I couldn't help but be bothered by it all. I didn't realize exactly how bothered until I was away and I didn't miss it. That little voice that used to be in the back of my mind constantly composing blog posts was quiet for the first time in a long time. And I liked it.  Not only did I step away from my blog, I didn't read others. I think that was the most freeing act of all. How do I say this next part and not offend? I'm not sure I can. Just know that this is my opinion. I'm not saying there is a right way or wrong way to write a blog, I'm just giving my own individual perspective. Here goes, and please don't hate me. I'm saddened by the frenzy that blogging seems to have become. I miss the simple times when it felt like you were sitting at a friend's kitchen table chatting. Money finds a way to taint everything, doesn't it?  I don't fault anyone for making income from their blog. It's a part time or even a full time job for many, and that's great, but now it seems every other blog has sponsors, and with sponsors you have to promote those sponsors in order for them to send you money and if you really want a lot of sponsors you need to prove a lot of people are going to read your blog and potentially visit your sponsor. It makes me so crazy to read a post with a giveaway, but in order to be considered for the giveaway you have to comment here, then comment somewhere else, then become a follower, then write about the contest on your blog. Never mind, it's just too darn hard.  I'm sorry, but I'm just not going to jump through 25 hoops of fire to win some vinyl letters to stick on my wall. I've offended, haven't I? If I did, I'm sorry. Just know I'm coming back to catch up, but I'll be doing it 80s honda civic style. No flashy prizes to giveaway here and there's no telling what I may be blabbering on about. I've done a little furniture painting recently, I'll talk about that. We've experienced some loss in our family, I"ll tell you about that too. We've celebrated goals reached. Some of us are a year older.  I have much to share!

Comments

[Jen]

I hate ads on blogs, and never enter contests. I love to read your thoughts just because they are simply about the everyday-- and I love those classic Honda Civics. Keep up with exactly what YOU want to do, and that will shine through and make us all love you even more!

And we're so glad you're better, and you're back.

[Kristin]

Nope, not offended at all! And glad to have you back. I struggle with this on my blog all the time. I only have a few readers and I let that get to me. I try and tell myself that isn't the point, but when I get no comments when I post that my son was hospitalized and posts about going potty on other blogs get 200 comments, sometimes it's hard not to compare. ;-) Here's to guilt free blogging! :)

[Sarah]

Hello there. :-) It's so good to see you.

You know you haven't offended me, you and I are always of the same mind on this stuff. (And oddly enough, we always seem to be thinking about it at nearly the same time too, as my own blog is undergoing more growing pains. Ha.)

[cindy]

Right there with ya. I've been on a bloggy break for a couple months too, just popping on now and again to read or write. I, too, found being away refreshing, and getting back on I immediately felt the insatiable pressure to perform or compete again. I am guarding against that best I can. I have a life besides my creative pursuits, so my creative pursuits shouldn't take up my whole chunk of 'puter time.

I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. I hope you'll continue to use this blog share your life whenever and however feels best to you. I support that 100%, and so glad there are others on the same page as I am :)

peace.

[Nichole]

I for one am glad your back and the chatting at the kitchen table thing is refreshing and SO much better than the feeling your waiting in line, so to speak, to catch a glimpse of that "blog star". Hope that made sense! : )

[beki]

Autum, I'm in that 80's honda civic with you!!! I feel the same exact way. I think over this past year I've been mourning the loss of the way blogging used to be, but I've come to a new place of acceptance. I'm going to keep on doing what I used to do...if people read, great, if not, oh well.

[melissa p.]

thank you! i've found myself "unsubscribing" from blogs with those sorts of giveaways, sponsorship, etc. i look forward to your return!

[Christy]

No, you didn't offend at all! It's one of the reasons that I haven't had sponsors on my blog. I also don't like all the 'hoop jumping' in order to win a contest. My blogging has been sporadic as well, and I think I've been re-evaluating thing too. I have enjoyed reading your blog, and am so glad that you are feeling better!

[LaurieC]

Glad you're back & feeling fine. I started reading your blog for just what you intended - some sewing tips, crafty ideas, watching life - and it's the reason your blog has stayed on my "reader" - live life as you wish!

[mindy]

I don't care what you do...I am just glad you are back. I have missed you.

And WOW! She is growing up!

Take your time and just get better.

[Kira =]]

i like you just the way you are. I read your blog because I like the way it is. I don't expect giveaways or any of that fluff. I just enjoy reading what project you've tackled recently and how you went about it. It inspires me!

[anina]

Hi Autum,
I'm so glad you're doing better. That must have been a really scary experience.
Your post today really made me think. I've been feeling this way too.
Like no matter what I do, I'm inferior to the "super bloggers". I think it's time to stop trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Thank you!!!!

[Scotti]

Glad you are back! Oh and I start to get really annoyed when people have constant giveaways! It goes from a great blog with a personal feel and then it tuns into a commercial. Blog how you want to blog! Hope you are better soon!

[Brooke]

Yay, it's you again!! I have missed you and am SO glad you are feeling better. Sounds like a very frightening time indeed, thanks for sharing! I agree with you on the blog thing. (Not offensive at all by the way, our individual opinions make the world go round, right?) You said it best, that you want it to feel like you are sitting at the kitchen table with a friend. Amen sister! Can't wait to hear more about what else you have been up to. How is Casey? Reagan got back from Afgh. in March. Ugh. He'll have to go back in the spring. Take care!

[Michele C]

Hey there! So glad you are feeling better! So glad to see you here today.

Your blog was one of the first bunch I found back in 2007 and have always looked forward to it. You've voiced a number of feelings I've had about blogging over time, too, but the difference for me is I do have a business that I'm building and I try to put my worries of inadequacy aside and concentrate on what I'm learning from those awesome blogs and what I'm offering my customers.

Because you are so talented and you do seem to keep things under control, maybe your feelings of "blog inadequacy" stems from the fact that you are very multi-talented and organized and feel responsible to those talents and opportunities. I'm an accountant by trade, everything black and white, not much gray. So, it makes my creative life crazy! I'm always questioning what I do, if there is a purpose, could it be better, how will this affect my business future, always weighing out the costs. Lately, I've been so busy in both my businesses, I can't blog regularly. At first I miss it so bad, and then I just worry about losing my "blog friends." I have to let it go and work, though. Work is real, and it has to come before blogging daily.

I've noticed, though, that just like a friend you haven't heard from in months and you get together and have the best time, one's regular blog crowd is just the same. The same bloggers I've attached myself to over the last 3 years always show up commenting or e-mailing me whenever I post, whether it be every day or week or a month apart.

I think it's like that. And, you'll probably notice that the blog ladies you like best won't be the ones giving out snazzy things all the time. They are working hard at everyday life and enjoying their talents and enhancing their lives, which seems to be exactly what you do.

You take good care of your family, and your home is GORGEOUS filled with your talents. If you were my neighbor, I bet you'd turn my place upside down with me. We have a lot of the same talents and equipment and husbands who can do nearly anything. You don't need to give anything away or compete. You actually do have a beautiful blog full of great photos and ideas and personal ancedotes. I'm always into your pillow designs!

So, as you feel better and recouperate, give yourself five blog stars and just blog when you want to and how you want to. That's how I found you and follow you. Whenever your post pops up on my Google reader, I think, "Oh, good. There she is. Wonder what pretty pictures or ideas she has today."

The only pressure gals like you and I can feel in this blog world is the pressure we put on ourselves. The blog readers are real in each of their own neighborhoods, but truly aren't real at one's own home. This blogging is just fun and, for me, a way to connect my studio business with the world.

Hope you feel so much better today. It looks like your "blog friends" are sending you loads of encouragement, so enjoy! And just blog when you want to.

[Marie]

First - OMGosh! Bailey has gotten HUGE! (and more gorgeous, if that was at all possible).

Second - YIKES on the scary sickness. I'm glad you're feeling better.

Thirdly - I couldn't agree more with your post. I haven't had much heart for blogging myself recently and I totally miss that pottering around just a few blogs and keeping up with what people have been up to. Commercialism eventually taints everything it would seem.

Finally - I missed you!! Looking forward to seeing the new spray paint projects and more catch ups about the lovely Miss B :)

xMx

[Iowa Expat]

Glad you are back! I've missed you and am so glad to know you are feeling better. Keep up the beautiful work.

[Tonya Richard]

I totally agree with your entire post, Autum. Not that I was ever that blog with a huge readership, but I think at one point or another I felt like I should be doing more to attract a bigger readership. I have obviously given up on that LOL To tell you the truth, I am attracted to the blogs that are just like yours. I might visit some of the flashier blogs, but I rarely return. I am an 80's honda civic girl through and through : D Totally not to fault those shiny blogs. I think it is great that a lot of women have found a way to make money and be able to stay home with their children. And there is obviously a lot of people out there that enjoy that. But there are also us ladies that enjoy a slower pace. There is something for everyone, isn't that nice : D

More importantly than the blog thing, I am so sorry to hear about how sick you were. I have asthma, so I know the feeling of not being able to breathe. I can't imagine what you go through and how that feels. I am so glad that you are feeling better and I pray things continue to improve. Really looking forward to read about what has been going on : ) Miss Bayleigh is such a beautiful child and is getting SO big!!!!

[Clisty]

It's such a turn off, those blogs where you have to publicize some chicks blog for her in order to gain an entry for a contest. Makes me feel like an unpaid .....youknowwhatimean.

[Lene Haugerud]

Thank goodness, I thought I was the only one! :-) Keep going, I can't wait to read your posts.

[Annette]

Well said. Sometimes when I see large numbers I think they were "bought" through contests, etc. Blogging for me has been about sharing ideas and making new friends who are interested in the same things I am. I love the blogs that motivate me to keep creating. I don't want mine to be a contest...just about friendship.

[mijk]

Me too girl me too. It was so simple back in 2006 wasn't it?

Dont know if I''ll ever blog again. It feels like my copmputer steals something form my life somehow

[Rebekah]

So glad to hear that you're doing okay and feeling better!

I first started reading your blog after searching for the japanese patchwork purse tutorial and I've been following along ever since.

I, too, am getting annoyed with blogs with so many giveaways and sponsorships...it kind of takes the fun out of things (although I do have one ad on my blog just to help pay for the monthly hosting fees)

[Laurie]

You've made total sense! Glad that you are keeping it real :) I've "bought" most of my followers with giveaways thinking that it was important to have followers. Now, all I want to do is keep the online friendships I've made and not feel like I have to compete to get more followers. I, too, like just chatting and reading and being inspired when I'm feeling lazy or tired. I like seeing flowers and quilts and children and I'm done with giveaways - both entering and giving. Someone else always wins and I always end up paying the postage! So, with all that said, enjoy the day, smile at the little things and hug your loved ones.

[Mary Winegar]

Thank you, I am feeling the same way. I started my blog as a diary of my quilting, travels, fun times. I am finding I am spending way to much time on the computer and not getting the things done I should or want to do. I have a lot of family obligations and need to attend to them. I feel compelled to get up and "check to see if I got any bloggser mail" I need to keep my life simple. I was drawn in by a "super" blogger and have now been disappointed. Would like real friends, even if they are by e-mail. They can truly share with you and understand. When you have a life changing "event" it does make you remember what is important and what is not. True friends are special!!