Please forgive my absence... (also forgive the length of this post)

I didn't intend to get so wordy.

An island has occupied my thoughts. Does it sound as if I'm dreaming of a tropical getaway? While that would be quite wonderful, I've been fixated on a different kind of island. Parris Island. For those who've never heard of Parris Island, it's not the kind of place you go to rest and relax. It's the place Marines are made. My son has been there since November 17. In the weeks since he's been away, we've spoken once, for about 2 minutes on Christmas morning. While the KitchenAid was a fabulous gift, it was bumped to second behind that unexpected gift. 

Casey first voiced an interest in the Marines last spring, he had been talking to the recruiter at school. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you may remember I was less than happy about it.  Mitch and I did all we could to try to convince him to rethink this choice. I didn't know very much about the Marines, but I did know Casey. He's a smart kid, really smart, but not at all motivated academically. He bucked authority and wasn't fond of doing what he was told. He shirked even the smallest of responsibilities around the house, like taking out the trash. He never, ever made his bed and loved to sleep late. He was a typical, rebellious teenager.  This talk of joining the Marines just seemed to come out of the blue, like he'd found his quick ticket to freedom. He could be away from his parents, get a paycheck and maybe even get to see some action. Be his own boss for once and to make it even better, he'd get a nice signing bonus. 

I searched the internet for information about the Marines, about false promises that recruiters make, about how mean the drill instructors are. I found videos on you-tube of screaming drill instructors, articles detailing the harsh reality of boot camp. I looked for statistics on Marine injuries and casualties in the war. I printed page after page for him to read. He wasn't fazed. After the initial shock and upset, I think denial set in. Mitch and I decided this was likely just a threat and felt sure when the time came to actually sign on the line, he'd change his mind. I told him, no matter what that recruiter threatens you with, until you step off the bus at Parris Island, you can change your mind. He spent a lot of time with the recruiter, lots of phone contact, visits at school. When we tried to talk to him about when he'd actually be leaving, he said he was in the delayed entry program and he could wait up to a year to actually leave. He was very casual about the whole thing making us all the more sure he'd never really go through with it. But he did. He signed all the necessary paperwork, took the oath and on November 17th he got on a bus in Raleigh destined for Parris Island, South Carolina. 

I said good-bye to him in a hospital room. Alyssa's hospital room. I didn't ride with Mitch to take him to Raleigh, because I needed to be with Alyssa. He came in the room and we hugged. We both cried and hugged like we hadn't hugged in years. There had been such a distance between us for so long and in that room the anger and frustration and resentment melted as the tears flowed. That was on Sunday. Monday night we got a call. Alyssa answered and stood there with a look of horror on her face. She hung up the phone and said it was Casey, but he was yelling, something I couldn't understand, then he said good-bye for now and hung up. I contacted the recruiter to learn that all recruits call home with a scripted message,  just to let you know they've arrived safely.

About 10 days later we got a letter. It was a form letter. He filled in the blanks with his name, the address where we could send mail and signed it. As soon as I had the address I started sending letters. I wrote every day, at least once a day and waited for a letter from him.

Finally after about two weeks I went to the mailbox to find three letters.  He told us a little about what was going on and what he'd been doing. In the third letter I opened, he said it had been several days since they had been able to receive mail and he had not gotten a letter yet. My heart fell. I knew that mail call was the brightest part of a recruits day, so I was intent on making sure he got a letter every day. What happened, why wasn't he getting our mail?  I felt so helpless. In the next letter he told us he was sick. He had a fever and a bad cough. His head hurt so bad he could hardly see. Oh. My. Goodness. The feeling of helplessness, it was awful. Thinking my child is off somewhere being yelled at for hours on end, he's lonely, and sick and I have no way to comfort him. You don't just pick up the phone and ask for an update. We were informed in that first form letter, if there was a family emergency we should contact the red-cross. This ain't summer camp, folks!  Finally we got a letter saying he'd received some mail. His tone was upbeat and he said he was feeling better. He told us about what he was learning, what some of the other recruits where like. Recruit, by the way, is how they come to be known for most of their stay on the island. They refer to themselves in third person, this recruit, these recruits. There is no longer  I or he or him.  They are completely cut off from the world and every step they take is directed by a drill instructor (DI). They have one hour of free time each day and the rest is spent becoming Marines. The thirteen weeks of boot camp are divided into three phases. Phase one is spent mostly breaking them down and driving out civilian ways so that in the next two phases they can be built into US Marines.  {Here is a really good description of  Marine bootcamp} Before they finally graduate as Marines, they face one last challenge, the Crucible. It's a 54 hour training exercise that involves food and sleep deprivation and over 45 miles of marching. During the Crucible the recurits face obstacles that require them to work together. It's a rite of passage they will never forget. Only after completing Crucible are recruits called Marines. It's a title that's hard earned, not given.

In each letter we received it was evident that changes were taking place. The words we were reading were those of a thoughtful, respectful young man who missed home but was determined to reach his goal. Sometimes we'd read his words and wonder what they'd done with our son. Who was this person sounding so positive, so kind, so upbeat and so determined? After about a month, I told him in a letter that I was happy to admit that I was wrong. I tried so hard to convince him that he was making the wrong decision. I worried and I prayed. God answers prayers.  Not always in our time and frequently with a different answer than we had hoped for. I hoped and prayed Casey would change his mind. I wanted to protect him from this torture and I couldn't bare the thought of my son being sent off to war. When people would tell me, joining the Marines will be good for him, it's just what he needs, it would make me mad. I'd think easy for you to say, it's not your son. Now? Now I feel like instead of loosing my son, the Marines have given him back. Though physically, there are many miles between us, we've never been so close.

In one of his early letters he said he was going to church. That's one of the few choices they can make and he was choosing to go. Each week he'd tell us something about church. Then he told us he did fine in the gas chamber. He said he was a little nervous, but he prayed before going in and did fine. Those words took my breath. That's something Casey never would have said. He prayed? Not only is he going to church, something he wouldn't do at home, he's relying on the strength of the Lord to help him through challenges. I may not be able to be there with him, but he's not alone. 

**

We try so hard as parents to shield and protect. We want to spare our children as much pain as possible, when perhaps it's in times of pain they learn the most valuable lessons.  Casey had to be stripped of everything to realize what really mattered to him.  He had to be completely broken down to get to the place where he could be whole. He's thriving on the structure and he loves the feeling of accomplishment that each challenge brings. I still worry about the future and can't let myself think about the war, not yet, but I feel good about the road he's on. Really good. Back in November I said good-bye to a very nervous boy. Now I'm counting down the days to February 12th when I will get to see my son, the confident young man, who has earned the title of US Marine.

**The above photo may, or may not be Casey. There is a message board, for recruit families. Sometimes when people attend graduation they take photos of other platoons and post them on the message board, so that maybe a parent or spouse can catch a glimpse of their loved one. I scanned at least a hundred photos looking for Casey. This one was part of a larger photo that I zoomed in and cropped. It looks just like him and it is his platoon.  Alyssa, Mitch, and I feel sure it's him. Others have voiced doubt. They say his eyebrows are too dark, he doesn't have a five o'clock shaddow.... For now, I'm calling him Casey. When I look at him, it gives me a sense of connection. That's enough for me.

Comments

[anina]

I'm SO happy that it seems like this is working out for him and I know it must give you a little more peace about his decision.

[Robinznest]

I really needed to read your words today. My daughter and son-in-law are taking my sweet little 7 month old grandson to Peru to be missionaries for three years. My heart is breaking. God has used your words today to give me a deeper understanding that His ways are not always our ways.
Bless you today and I am so happy to hear that something beautiful is coming out of something so difficult.

[Elaine Campbell]

Oh Autum, I am in tears reading your posting. I am so happy for you and your family. God has strange ways to go about turning situations around. We just have to have the faith to let God have his way.
Granted I don't know Casey...but I feel certain that must be him...a mother knows her child when she sees him no matter how he may have changed physically in appearance. I am so happy for all of you that he was allowed to call home on Christmas Day. What a blessing.
God Bless you and yours, Elaine

[Elaine Campbell]

PS
I do see a five o'clock shadow and as far as the dark eyebrow...I think that is the darkest color in the camo print in the fabric in the cap not his eyebrow..

[Missy]

Autum, I remember reading your first post about Casey and his interest in the Marines. As the mother of a 20 year old son, I knew exactly how you felt. There are few things that a mother can't bear, but letting go a child to become an adult is among the most difficult things we moms have to do. It is hard under the best of circumstances, but is made doubly so when you are at odds with one another. I am so happy you have made peace with Casey's decision and even happier that Casey is adjusting well. God bless you all.

[Thimbleanna]

Wow Autum. Great post. Really great post.

[lisa]

I’m glad that you are posting about this. Being able to share with other’s who have been there, and even those who haven’t, is very important. And please hug Casey a little tighter next time you see him for me.

[Heidi]

My parents split up when I was 16 and my younger brother was 13 1/2. From that day until the day he joined the Army at 18 he was an angry, disrespectul, rude, mean person that no one wanted to be around. He came home on his first leave from boot camp and apologized to our mother for everything he said and did to her and to the rest of us for the way he treated us. Luckily, he had a drill sargeant who recognized the chip on my brothers shoulder and got him into some anger management counseling. That, combined with the discipline and structure of the Army made my brother a kinder, more considerate and respectful young man. It sounds like that's what the Marines are doing for Casey.

[Liana]

I've been a military brat and connected to the military in one way or another for most of my life. The structure they get at basic in any branch of service is phenomenal. The friends and connections he'll make there are for life. I'm happy to see how proud you are of the man he's become. Your testimonial reminds me of the newer army videos. The ones of parents realizing their kids are growing up. Bravo Casey and Bravo to you mom for pouring your heart out to us about your revelation. As much as you love him now, when he comes home you'll love the man he has become even more.

[Shannon]

I am weeping reading this. God does answer prayers. While I understand your reservations about Casey's future, I commend your ability to see the blessings in it all. Sounds like he is exactly where he needs to be...today. What a beautiful post from a wonderful mother. Thank you.

[Stephanie]

Oh my gosh....you have me totally bawling here. My son got out of the Navy this year, and we are so glad to have him "back". Your post transported me instantly to the time when my son was in boot camp. It was like you were describing it for ME! I think that they ALL get sick. But, man I was so worried about him. If I could have, I would have kidnapped him and ran away! (hubby discouraged this of course!) The day I cried the MOST (it makes me cry right now), was the day we flew to Chicago and saw him graduate. Oh my gosh, the entire bleachers full of parents were all sobbing. You could hear it on my video. We were all trying to figure out which one was our son as they all looked the same. My son had sent us a hand drawn map of where he would be in the formation! (it was so sweet)

Wow... that was a huge trip back in time. I do know what you are going through. Hang in there. You will be hugging him (more tears here) before you know it!!

This year for Christmas, I put together all of our emails from his time "on ship" in a binder for him. No matter when he checked his email, there was an email waiting for him from me. They can always count on Mom, right?

I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Stephanie
P.S. I really appreciate your way with words, it's truly a gift.

[Willow Caroline]

Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I take courage from you...I have been very moved.

[Bridgette]

I'm so glad that you are doing better. I just hate Strength Builing Experiences....but I love being strong. Hang in there, we're all here listening.

[Tiff@ThreePeas]

I don't have any children in the military but I do have cousins that went right out of high school. I saw how my aunts and uncles dealt with the shock of there decision to pure Pride that they did it! They accomplished soemthing and became a find young person because of the experience. I will keep you son in my prayers and you too. I know it's hard But I know you are at peace knowing he's Depending on God to get him through!

[UK lass in US]

I've got the horrible feeling that I was one of the ones saying that it could be a good thing - my husband always said that joining the military did him the world of good. It did change him into a man, a responsible man. That might not sound like much, but when you compare him to some of his old school friends, you can see the difference.

That's not to say that I am not greatly relieved that he (and my brother and other family members) are out of the military now - just that I can see how it can take a restless young man and set him up for life in a way few other jobs can.

Best wishes for both of you.

[min]

Fascinating. It really seems like they could be just as close as needed, what with cell phones and internet connections, etc etc. But not for training. I suppose the deprivation of all of that is needed. But for a mom...? Yikes.
So strange to not be able to recognize your son. A fascinating post.

[mommymae]

beautifully written, autum. my brother left foe navy recruit training on december 15th and we hope to see changes in him. my mother has received a few letters and i just sent one to him today. i've been thinking of you.

[Faith]

Autum, I can't imagine giving up any one of my sons. I know it has required a lot of strength on your part. I'm so glad that God is watching over Casey and given you peace about his enlistment. May God bless Casey and keep him in His care always. xo

[Margot]

This made me tear up a bit, what a proud mama you are!

[Lynne in NC]

Autum,
Thanks for sharing all the information. I have been missing you and am happy to read that you are hearing from Casey.
I will continue to pray for you and Mitch as you journey through this phase of parenthood.
Peace,
Lynne

[Sarah the secret blower]

you made me cry...thanks!

beautiful by the way..

[Cele]

What an amazing post and an insight into the family experience of the Marines.
I hope all is well and that 2009 proves to be a Great year for you all.

[keLLY LAUTENBACH]

I just found your blog today. Thanks for sharing this story. It touches my heart and I'm so proud of you for sharing your son with our country. Thank him for us, will you? :)

[Kim]

Your baby is growing up, but you gave him the basics to become the man that he is - the marines are just accessorizing him. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful story.

Kim

[Kim]

Your baby is growing up, but you gave him the basics to become the man that he is - the marines are just accessorizing him. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful story.

Kim