This is going to be a hard post to write. I know it will leave me in tears and I will struggle with how to best put this tangled mix of emotions I'm having into words. For that reason, I've been putting it off. Sometimes waiting is good.
As a side note, I read a list of blog pet peeves recently and apparently some folks don't like it when a blogger shares personal stories. If you are one of those folks, I will not mind if you want to click away now. This is going to be all about me.
Several years ago I was watching Desperate Housewives and one particular scene struck a personal cord and seemed to touch my very soul. I felt the pain of the actress like it was my own. I can't tell you any other part of the show, just once scene that lasted a minute or two. In that scene, Bree opened a kitchen drawer and noticed a sippy cup. She melted into an emotional puddle of sadness. For some reason I felt her pain and wanted to turn away because somehow I knew I would one day feel that same pain.
My story plays out much differently than Bree's but I know the pain of noticing a sippy cup when the child no longer lives with you.
I don't know how much backstory I need to go into. I blab about Bayleigh enough that surely it's evident she's the light of my life.
As I've said before the story of Alyssa's marriage isn't mine to tell. She married Bayleigh's father young and tried very hard to make it work. Very hard. When she felt like she had given it all she could I let her know that she should not stay out of fear for how she would care for herself and her child alone. But even before that, she and Bayleigh spent a great deal of time here. I cared for Bayleigh while Alyssa finished nursing school and then when she started working. So, from the time she was born, we've had a bond. I think because I had such a special bond with my granny, it gave me a full circle kind of feeling. Like I was giving back something special that was given to me.
When they moved into the room upstairs, it was never intended to be permanent. It was just our way of giving Alyssa a soft place to land and to provide as much support as we could for both her and Bayleigh.
Well the time has come for her to move on, to be out of her parent's house. She is in a relationship with a very nice man. A man who is responsible and kind and is good to both she and Bayleigh. A couple of weeks ago Bayleigh started pre-K and started staying full time in their new apartment about 45 minutes away. I'm not going to lie, it breaks my heart to type those words. Not because I have any worries about her care, but just because I have been joined at the hip with that little peanut for the past four and a half years. It is such a mixed up bunch of feelings I have. On one hand, I have so much free time now. Plenty of time for sewing and building and painting, and most days, I am fine. Maybe better than I thought I would be. But there are those moments. Those Bree sippy cup moments when I feel like I could cry a river. It wasn't easy on Bayleigh at first either. She missed her nana and papa as much as we missed her, but every day has been easier for her than the previous day. She went to school this morning without any tears. I'm learning how to live as an empty nester once again.
So there you have it, that's where things are with me. I'm a little fragile, but very proud. I'm proud of Bayleigh for being such a big girl and I'm proud of her mama for being such a good mama. I'm proud that they are fluffing their own little nest. A nest a little closer to nana's would have been nice, but still, I'm proud.