I try to be a happy person.
A loving and understanding person.
I usually give the benefit of the doubt.
The older I get, the more I worry. I guess it comes with having lived life. Having experienced heartache and loss, the tendency to guard yourself more.
I am a believer in God. In Jesus. In grace and forgiveness, and yet....
There is a dark place in my heart. A place that is heavily guarded, and untrusting. It is a place I didn't even know existed until a few years ago. It is a place that does not want to love and trust and give the benefit of the doubt.
Because of the existence of this place, deep in my own heart. I feel a bit like Adam and Eve, hiding in the garden from God.
Because of this darkness, my walk with God has suffered.
I want to place blame. To say it is because of another's actions that I have this place. But deep within me, I know this is my battle. My cross to bear.
I wish it would just go away. Oh how I pray for the blackness to be gone, but I know the answer to that prayer. I know it is my work to do.
When the day comes and I have to answer for myself, it will not be acceptable that I harbored this hate in my heart. No matter what the reasons. And yet knowing this does not make it any easier to let go. As much as I dislike the darkness, I hold onto it. As if letting go means the other person is right. I feel so justified in my hate. Typing that word is not easy. I've always been taught not to hate. Not to even say the word and I until now, I've never felt this way. It isn't a good feeling. It's like living under a heavy wet blanket and even joyful times are slightly tainted by its ugliness.
So there is an inner struggle. The part of my sprit that knows better is at constant odds with the part of my heart that needs to protect those I love.
How do you come to terms. How do you love someone you just don't want to love, when you can come up with reason after reason not to? Like Jesus, I pray that this cup would pass. Really I do. I do not want to do the work I know I need to do.
It's not been an easy road and in reality, it's not even my road. I'm just a spectator and yet bitterness consumes me.
I'm not trying to sound all cryptic, the details aren't important. The point of my post is hopefully by opening myself up, by laying it out there, I can at least face the battle that is before me.
No matter what the other person does, it is my heart that I will hold in my hands when I stand before my maker and do I want it to be dark and ugly or bright and filled with love? I have a lot of polishing I need to do. I just don't know how to begin.