I've been missing this place. It feels a bit strange to be back,
after so long away. So much to say. Do I blurt it all out in one long
rambling post or break down into quick bite size chunks?? I guess since
Bayleigh is sleeping, I'll just write what I can and go from there.
Why the long absence, I guess that's as good a place as any to start.
I think in my last post I wrote about being sick and in the hospital.
That was one of those life changing events folks. A stop and take
inventory of what really matters event. I was sicker than I've ever
been and for the first time in my life I felt like I was getting a
glimpse into what my mother must have felt like during the last part of
her life. I've had this lung disease all of my life. It's the only life
I've known, but this was different. I was completely wiped out just
being still. Short of breath with no exertion. I had to gather my
strength to get up and go to the bathroom. The scary part was that it
came from out of nowhere. No gradual decline and I was terrified that I
had progressed to this level and life as I knew it would be no more. I
was so scared that my lung function had declined to such a point that I
would have to very seriously face the prospect of transplant. I also
experienced some very scary anxiety. It wasn't a fun time. Getting out
of the hospital and beginning to feel like me again felt like a gift.
During the time I was sick I didn't feel like being on the computer and
once I started feeling better it became evident that I wanted to do more
with my time than stare at a computer. I realized that much of what I
was reading led to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.
I started this blog completely blind about blogging. I had no plans other than to take some pictures of things I'd sewn or spray painted or talk about my dogs. I was surprised when other people actually found their way to my blog and even more surprised when they liked it and continued to read. I had a small little circle of blog friends and I loved it. I'd be so excited if I got a few comments. Over time the circle of friends got wider and the people who read my blog on a daily basis grew and I began to feel pressure to write something interesting, to post what I felt like people would want to read. If people were going to actually subscribe to my blog I wanted it to be worthy of their time. I loved the challenge it provided. My sewing skills improved and I loved learning about how to make my blog look pretty. I learned so much reading other blogs and tackled projects I would have otherwise felt impossible. All because of blogging. Then something began to shift. I started to feel like my little blog was sitting in the middle of the interstate with blogs flying past me left and right. Brand new blogs exploding with readers. Blogs with sponsors. Blogs giving away fabulous prizes. I felt like my blog was an 80s honda civic among a mass of convertible BMWs and although I kept telling myself, self, you started this blog for you. You don't need to try to compete with anyone, that's not what it's about. It's not a high school popularity contest. And I said back to myself, Whatever! No matter how much I told myself it isn't about numbers, I couldn't help but be bothered by it all. I didn't realize exactly how bothered until I was away and I didn't miss it. That little voice that used to be in the back of my mind constantly composing blog posts was quiet for the first time in a long time. And I liked it. Not only did I step away from my blog, I didn't read others. I think that was the most freeing act of all. How do I say this next part and not offend? I'm not sure I can. Just know that this is my opinion. I'm not saying there is a right way or wrong way to write a blog, I'm just giving my own individual perspective. Here goes, and please don't hate me. I'm saddened by the frenzy that blogging seems to have become. I miss the simple times when it felt like you were sitting at a friend's kitchen table chatting. Money finds a way to taint everything, doesn't it? I don't fault anyone for making income from their blog. It's a part time or even a full time job for many, and that's great, but now it seems every other blog has sponsors, and with sponsors you have to promote those sponsors in order for them to send you money and if you really want a lot of sponsors you need to prove a lot of people are going to read your blog and potentially visit your sponsor. It makes me so crazy to read a post with a giveaway, but in order to be considered for the giveaway you have to comment here, then comment somewhere else, then become a follower, then write about the contest on your blog. Never mind, it's just too darn hard. I'm sorry, but I'm just not going to jump through 25 hoops of fire to win some vinyl letters to stick on my wall. I've offended, haven't I? If I did, I'm sorry. Just know I'm coming back to catch up, but I'll be doing it 80s honda civic style. No flashy prizes to giveaway here and there's no telling what I may be blabbering on about. I've done a little furniture painting recently, I'll talk about that. We've experienced some loss in our family, I"ll tell you about that too. We've celebrated goals reached. Some of us are a year older. I have much to share!
