You know how it feels to throw-up? Well I can't speak for anyone else, but in my experience, there is that uncomfortable queasiness that gets progressively worse, eventually leading to feeling down right miserable. Myself, I fight it and fight it. I try laying very still, closing my eyes and hoping it will pass, but it doesn't. Eventually, I give in and let it out. That part is pretty awful, but the moments afterward when you feel the release and the cramping and queasiness cease...ahhhh. I feel exhausted but so much better. It's also a time when you want to be alone (speaking for myself again). You don't want anyone to see you sick like that, but when someone taps on the door and puts a cool cloth to your forehead it's such a comforting feeling. Not really a pleasant picture I've painted, but it pretty much sums up my last post. So much was building up inside and holding it in only made things worse. Finally writing about it, putting some of my thoughts and feelings out there relieved some of the pressure building inside. Then when your comments of care and concern started to pour in I felt a little embarrassed and sort of exposed, and like I'd needlessly worried my friends. The more I read the more it felt like a cool comforting cloth across my forehead. So, so many words of kind, gentle, and heartfelt support.
What I'm trying to say is although it feels like I had a bit of emotional puking, followed by relief and a little embarrassment, I do feel much better and so very comforted. Words can't express how touched I am by your kindness and comforting words. Thank you!! Thank you all, so much!
I'd like to say I was just over reacting and things are now sunshine and roses, but the truth is most days I feel like a bird in a hurricane. As my children struggle with what seems to be an unusually harsh transition into adulthood we are a family of birds in a hurricane. I'm reminded everyday how little control I really do have no matter how hard I struggle. Letting go, even a little does help, as scary as it may be. It's hard to talk about feeling out of control when the world tells us moms are supposed to hold the family together and be strong for everyone. Yesterday I finally had a moment of realization that I am in fact not in control and the struggle to try to be is getting the better of me. I called my sister-in-law who happens to be my GPs nurse. I didn't know why I was calling or what I thought I needed. It wasn't like I had a sore throat or a fever. Can you call the Dr. for a broken heart? I don't know but I did and completely broke down trying to tell her why I wanted to come in. I'm not sure why I'm talking about this. Maybe because so many of you have said you can relate to much of what I've said. Anyway I felt pretty calm at the doctors office but when she took my bp it was 154/101. My blood pressure has never been high. Even in pregnancy the highest it's ever been is 110/80. I say this because stress doesn't just affect you emotionally it affects you physically. I know this, I'm a nurse but I really didn't know it. I don't have any more answers today than I did yesterday, but I do know I have to find a different way of finding those answers.
When I sat down to post I really, really didn't intend to go into all that. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for the cool comforting cloth. Although posts like that (and I guess like this one has turned into) leave me feeling exposed and a little embarrassed, they also feel like a release and judging by my blood pressure, I need to find all the releases I can.
Speaking of releases, is there any better release than finding a bargain, a gem you weren't even looking for?
What I did intend to post about was a chair. Can a chair change your life? I hope it can. Alyssa and I went to lunch and the library and stopped by an antique place we have fallen in love with. We never buy much, if anything, but we love to look. Not everything is antique, some things are brand new mixed with antiques. It's not an old, dusty place like some antique shops. It has separate rooms with different themes and it's almost like walking through the pages of a magazine like Country Living or Romantic Homes. You go in and feel intoxicated with excitement for all the beauty everywhere you look. We'd been browsing for a while when Alyssa found a chair she liked. It had a blanket thrown across the back and some books stacked in the seat. She moved them to get a better look, sat down and gave it a try. It was pretty comfortable. The more she looked the more she liked it. She wasn't in the market for a chair. Why would she want a chair? Like started to evolve into love when she looked at the price tag. $49.00.
Alyssa: Mom, can we buy this chair?
Me: For what? I don't need a chair and I'm not sure I even like that one. What do you want it for?
Alyssa: My house.
By the way, Alyssa doesn't have a house.
Alyssa: Really Mom, I'll pay you for it and I can put it up to save for my house.
So we buy the chair. On the ride home the like that turned to love was now giddiness.
Alyssa: Ohhhhh I love my chair, I'm so excited about my chair. I'm going to start a fund. A my house fund. Can we set that up so I can start saving for my house?
She was even more excited when she got home and saw a picture she had torn out of an Anthropologie catalog some time ago and put on her inspiration board. See the similarities?
It scanned much more yellow than it really looks. It looks nearly the same green as Alyssa's chair. I showed her that if she wants we can pull the skirt off (it has nice legs) to make it look more like the Anthro version, but she decided to keep the skirt for now.
Maybe I'm crazy but I felt like I may be witnessing a turning point. An important moment in my little girl's life. Growing up is never easy and it is even harder when you aren't sure where you should go or what you want to do with your life. Especially when you feel like you've detoured off the path you were supposed to be on. You don't want to be a child but you don't know how to start being an adult. We had a little talk about how that chair could be just the beginning of her life, her independence. It was a tangible piece of evidence that she just has to know what she wants and go after it. The chair will be the first piece to go into what she can now imagine as her house. Her grown up house. She recently took a test for nursing school that told her she is a visual learner. Maybe having this visual is what she needed to see her future. Her future that will include a little house that she can fill with pretty green chairs if she wants.