That seems to be the question. The question I've been asking myself at least. Blogging has changed my life. That sounds dramatic, but it's true. I'm sure I look at things differently, think about things I've never thought of before. My sewing has improved. I've made so many friends. Yes blogging has changed my life in so many good ways but has it also made changes that aren't good? Maybe. Quite possibly so. Have I been blind to things I should have seen because of time spent here? Is too much time spent here? Time that would be better spent doing laundry and sweeping or just being available. My house has seen cleaner days and though I get a great deal of enjoyment and satisfaction participating in this sharing of ideas and inspiration and, well... life, I feel a great deal of stress and unhappiness when my surroundings feel so out of order. I wish I didn't. I wish I could have a carefree feeling about dishes in the sink and a floor that needs sweeping, but it isn't in me. I panic at the thought of company. I want to feel comfortable opening my door and enjoying visitors if they come, but that isn't the case. I am tense the whole time anyone is here looking at the dust on the table or the laundry you can see piled up in the laundry room. Things that are likely unnoticed by the visitor seem like neon signs to me, pointing out all my inadequacies.
Is blogging an escape from that? My escape to a world I can keep clean and tidy for when visitors arrive. A welcoming place that is mine and a place I enjoy sharing. Hmmm... isn't it funny how sometimes you answer your own questions just by putting them out there. I've never thought of it in those terms, but surely that's the case. My blog is my clean (most of the time) place. My hangout spot where friends stop by to say hi. It feels nice to be here and keeping it warm and tidy and inviting doesn't require physical exertion that leaves me out of breath and exhausted like in real life. Its a world I can control for the most part. I am admittedly a bit of a control freak and live a life that many times seems so out of my control. My health, my kids, my house.... sigh....yes this blog is my little place, but that's just it, isn't it? It's my place and I am not an island. I have a family that perhaps needs more of my time than I realize, even though they seem so independent.
I've never been career driven. I became a nurse primarily out of financial need. Though I found satisfaction and enjoyment in nursing I always felt guilty for the time I was away from my family. Becoming a wife and mother young, it is who I am, all I know. I'm happy with being a "housewife" and don't feel like I've given up any of myself to live this life. Being a mother has been a badge I've worn proudly for 19 years. A job I've taken very seriously. I've made so many mistakes I'm sorry for but I've tried to be a good mom. I wanted so much to do it right. It nearly broke my heart to send my first bird from the nest last year. It caused me to question what now? What will I do when they are both gone? Then I found blogs and a whole new world opened up to me. There was so much inspiration that fed my creativity. So much I wanted to try, so many new and beautiful things. So many old and beautiful things. Wonderfully talented people willing to share their knowledge, freely. After reading for a while I wanted to follow suit and just like any craft, I've wanted to improve. Improve the quality of photographs I take, improve my writing skills, improve the "look" of my blog, improve the material I posted on my blog. It has been such a wonderful challenge and has given me so much enjoyment but when I am faced with the fact that it may be taking away from what is really important in my life I have to rethink things. Change and rearrange things.
I don't think the answer is to stop all together, but can I just post on occasion? I know my personality well enough to know the same part of me that decorates and redecorates every corner of my house cannot stand a barely furnished blog. As soon as I finish a project I can't wait to take pictures and share and that takes time. Taking and editing pictures, writing and rewriting a post. Answering comments. That part of blogging is as important to me as anything, the interaction that comments provide. All these things take time and I am faced with asking myself the question, is it time I have to spare? I thought so, but now I'm not so sure. Some questions I have to give some thought to. I don't know what the answer will be, I won't be keeping up the posting every day in November. I guess that's apparent since I haven't posted all weekend, though I seem to making up for it now. So many words and no answers. I have some thinking to do...